Me friend wrote this and I needed to share it. I'm not much of a football buff but I think its a cool idea.
He writes:
So I thought about this on the way to work and I think I'm on to something. If you were to give each position in football an animal that best represents it which animal would you choose? I thought about this hard and I think my final list... is near flawless. Please correct me if I'm wrong. I decided it makes most sense to give each defensive position a predatory animal and give the offensive positions herbivores (with some exceptions to animals that occasionally eat meat on the offensive end). I also restricted my animal comparisons to land animals because I want to visualize how the game would take place. Imagine, if you will my animals are straight out of The Chronicles of Narnia (a movie where animals talk) and they have the ability and know how to play a game of football. Also I realize this is an open ended argument and that it can never fully be resolved. Also bear with me that nearly all of my animals would have no way of holding a football, other than in their mouths. If you could visualize what animals best represent specific positions on the football field. Lastly this is just for fun and my own amusement. Enjoy.What animals best represent football positions?
Defense-
Saftey- Alpha Male Wolf
--Hawk was a close second but I want to restrict this to land animals to keep it fair. A Hawk could just blitz all day and attack the quarterback's face and that’s just no fair. Wolves have incredible endurance and can run all day. Your safety needs to have marathon legs because he is running all over the field all day. The safety has to have the best vision of the field (why I thought Hawk would be fitting) and the perfect safety is in on every play. The wolf has a tremendous sense of where his prey is at all times. The wolf is master of his territory. The alpha male wolf is also a natural leader which is key to being an MVP type safety. Most importantly the wolf is super aggressive and can take down prey twice or even three times his size (see Charles Woodson).
Linebacker- Lions
--The middle linebacker is your alpha male lion. At first thought I wanted the wolf to be the middle linebacker (due to their endurance) and hawks or eagles to be the safetys but I thought it would be an insult to the king of the jungle if I didn't include him and his pride. Also the wolf is a bit undersized. The lions are a perfect fit for linebacker. They work together as a unit and are a near perfect blend of strength and speed. The middle linebacker has to be the alpha male because he is the king of his domain and the leader of his pack just as the middle linebacker is captain of his football team. He has more strength than his female counterparts and can stuff the run better. The females are better suited for outside linebackers because their natural hunting ability and speed make them perfect for catching any ball carrier that comes near their path. It's hard to exclude leopards or jaguars but they rely more on stealth and in an open battle field I want true fighters and lions are the cats for that job.
Cornerback- The Cheetah
--The speed champion, the cheetah is a perfect cornerback because of its unmatched ability to chase prey down. This animal is the fastest land animal alive able to run up to 75 mph for up to 1,500 ft. This animal can go from 0 to 63 mph in a matter of 3 seconds, a feat that beats out most supercars. The cornerback also needs to be able to change direction on the blink of an eye incase play action is called and needs to redirect all of its attack on the running back. A cheetah, with lightning bolt speed, would be an MVP cornerback because of its ability to chase down the ball carrier even if he is on the opposite end of the field. You could also use these animals as kick returners.
Defensive End- The Ussari Tiger (Siberian Tiger)
--This is without doubt the most deadly land animal alive. I’ve read that being charged by one is equivalent to having a grand piano fall on you from two stories up. They can weigh up to 600 pounds (some sources even say 700) and can sprint at short distances up to fifty miles per hour. Imagine a 600 pound object coming at you at fifty miles per hour. Not to mention that they have the explosiveness to leap ten feet into the air. The Siberian Tiger is the perfect blend of strength and speed. The Tiger is also fierce and deadly aggressive. At first thought I wanted the tiger to be linebacker because of its amazing power but I’ve realized that its true spot is defensive end because of its inability to run long distances. The tiger has been known to walk up to 150 miles in a day’s time but tires easily when running. So our tiger could walk the field all day and still have the energy to relentlessly assault the quarterback on each snap. With its amazing ability to sprint at short distances this animal is the perfect defensive end. Its sheer power and attack speed make it an MVP at dealing deadly sacks and dropping running backs behind the line. It also has size to clog the line and a huge muscular wingspan to grab any nearby foe. The tiger also has 4 inch razor sharp claws (nearly the sharpest claws in all of nature, one could perform surgery with them) and a set of jaws that can clamp down on an enemy’s neck at one thousand pounds of force per square inch (it takes only 5 pounds of force to break the human vertebrae), there for it could drag down a ball carrier twice its size or more.
Defensive Tackle- The Polar Bear
--You need your defensive tackles to be huge, strong, and aggressive. The Polar Bear is the world’s largest land carnivore weighing up to 1,500 pounds and on its hind legs stands at 14 feet tall. Need I say more? The polar bear has MVP strength to move an offensive lineman out of the way and is a massive wall that will clog up the line and stop the inside run game.Offense:
Offensive Guard- The Grizzly Bear
--If the defense is bringing Polar Bears than the offense might as well guard them with Grizzly Bears. Now I know that Grizzly bears eat meat but they get 80%-90% of their diet from plants. The Polar Bear on the other hand obtains nearly all its nutrients from meat. This is why I have the Polar Bear (with its hunting instincts) playing defense and the Grizzly Bear (with its protective traits) playing offense. The Grizzly Bear is naturally more protective than the Polar Bear because it has more enemies to worry about. Humans often share the same land as Grizzly Bears, as do wolves, mountain lions, and in some areas of Far East Russia; Tigers. The Grizzly Bear is a protective species by nature and that is precisely the quality we are looking for in our offensive linemen. It is extremely dangerous to be even be anywhere within eyesight of a mother Grizzly Bear and her cubs because your presence could alert her to defensive mode and trigger an attack. The Grizzly Bear comes in close second as the world’s largest bear with male specimens weighing up to 1,000 pounds. Their sheer size and stout strength and aggressive, protective behavior make them perfect for creating holes for the running back and a shield of protection for the quarterback.
Offensive Tackle- The White Rhinoceros
The white Rhinoceros is the second largest land animal in the world weighing up to 7,000 pounds. One record breaking specimen weighed in at a whopping 10,000 pounds. Not only are they huge but they wear the thickest skin of all land animals which will protect them from the continuing assault of the defense. They also have a massive bulk of muscle in their necks that supports their colossal head and horns (which grow up to 59 inches in length) making them brutal battering rams. At even a moderate charge these beasts will plow away anything in their path making them ideal offensive linemen. They are also protective by nature. The White Rhinoceros fears no animal and seeing as how our offensive tackle will be mostly guarding a Siberian Tiger this fearless quality will surely come in handy.
Center- Alpha Male Silverback Gorilla
--Your center is the captain of your line. He has to be able to pick up blitzes and protect the quarterback at all costs. I chose the silverback Gorilla because of its high intelligence, sheer strength, and fearsome protective nature. Also I think that you could literally teach a Gorilla to hike a football. I chose the alpha male in particular because in nature the alpha gorilla makes virtually all the decisions regarding his troop, including where and when to travel, where and when to sleep, and where and when to eat. The center is similar in the way that he is the commander of his line and has the decision making power to audible the line in order to pick up blitzes.
Tight End- The Stallion Warhorse
--Your tight end is literally the workhorse of your team. He is possibly your most versatile offensive weapon and as the NFL evolves the tight end is becoming more and more a staple of a winning team. I chose the horse because he is reliable, strong, fast, protective and has unmatched endurance. You need your tight end to be protective and strong because half of the time you will use him as a blocker but he also needs to be fast in case you need him to go deep for a pass. Horses are the ultimate work animal. We have used them to plow our fields, do battle, and to explore the known world. Your tight end also needs to have a high football IQ and horses luckily are extremely clever.
Fullback- The Bison
--I had a bit of trouble deciding whether the Bison and Rhinoceros shouldn’t switch positions but after much thought I think I’m right in placing the Bison at my fullback and the Rhinoceros at the protective line. The reason is speed. The Bison can amazingly get its 2,000 pound frame moving at 35 miles per hour for long distances at a time. Also their huge head and deadly horns make them perfect battering rams for pounding the ball up the gut or for clearing defenders out of the way. On most plays our fullback will be blocking and often times running up field with our halfback to clear a path. This is why I need speed at the fullback position and had to put the Rhinoceros at the offensive line. The Bison is also another fearless protector in the animal kingdom which makes it a clear candidate for a blocking position. Although when we choose to run up the gut with our fullback the Bison will have no problem clearing a path.
Halfback- The Ram
--I wanted to use a horse just because when a team starts relying on one running back they call it “riding the horse” but I couldn’t think of a better animal for the tight end. The Ram to me is more fitting for a halfback. Although Ram’s are small they are extremely quick and are equipped with a set of protective horns that encourage them to smash into any predator in its path. A Ram represents the perfect running back because he is quick and elusive yet has the explosive ramming power to take the ball up the gut.
Wide Receiver- The Grey Hound
--At first thought I wanted to use the Gazelle to represent my wide receiver because the most athletic Gazelles can outrun even a cheetah. I decided though that a good wide receiver doesn’t even need to be faster than his defender he just needs to outwit him by running a deceptive route. The dog had to be used in my analogies because it is incredibly smart and can be taught tricks. Also I must admit I thought about dogs catching frisbees in their mouths and I definitely need my receiver to be able to catch. I still need my wide receiver to be fast so no one can catch him in the open field so I chose the fastest of all the dogs the Grey Hound, capable of running up to 50 miles per hour. The wide receiver is also a quarterback’s best friend and this is only fitting that I choose man’s best friend as a receiver when you find out what animal I choose for quarterback.
Quarterback- The Human (see Michael Vick)
--You need opposable thumbs to throw a football end of story. Ok let me elaborate more, because this is the most important position on the field and that is why it needs to be played by the smartest known animal. The human body is actually quite amazing when it is in its prime condition. With millions of years of experience of running from big cats and wolves the human body has been conditioned to escape. That’s why our quarterback is best suited as a human because of his uncanny scrambling ability. He is also the commander on the field and demands respect. It is his game, he invented it after all.
The Kicker- The Kangaroo
--Good for kicking and not much else.
--If the defense is bringing Polar Bears than the offense might as well guard them with Grizzly Bears. Now I know that Grizzly bears eat meat but they get 80%-90% of their diet from plants. The Polar Bear on the other hand obtains nearly all its nutrients from meat. This is why I have the Polar Bear (with its hunting instincts) playing defense and the Grizzly Bear (with its protective traits) playing offense. The Grizzly Bear is naturally more protective than the Polar Bear because it has more enemies to worry about. Humans often share the same land as Grizzly Bears, as do wolves, mountain lions, and in some areas of Far East Russia; Tigers. The Grizzly Bear is a protective species by nature and that is precisely the quality we are looking for in our offensive linemen. It is extremely dangerous to be even be anywhere within eyesight of a mother Grizzly Bear and her cubs because your presence could alert her to defensive mode and trigger an attack. The Grizzly Bear comes in close second as the world’s largest bear with male specimens weighing up to 1,000 pounds. Their sheer size and stout strength and aggressive, protective behavior make them perfect for creating holes for the running back and a shield of protection for the quarterback.
Offensive Tackle- The White Rhinoceros
The white Rhinoceros is the second largest land animal in the world weighing up to 7,000 pounds. One record breaking specimen weighed in at a whopping 10,000 pounds. Not only are they huge but they wear the thickest skin of all land animals which will protect them from the continuing assault of the defense. They also have a massive bulk of muscle in their necks that supports their colossal head and horns (which grow up to 59 inches in length) making them brutal battering rams. At even a moderate charge these beasts will plow away anything in their path making them ideal offensive linemen. They are also protective by nature. The White Rhinoceros fears no animal and seeing as how our offensive tackle will be mostly guarding a Siberian Tiger this fearless quality will surely come in handy.
Center- Alpha Male Silverback Gorilla
--Your center is the captain of your line. He has to be able to pick up blitzes and protect the quarterback at all costs. I chose the silverback Gorilla because of its high intelligence, sheer strength, and fearsome protective nature. Also I think that you could literally teach a Gorilla to hike a football. I chose the alpha male in particular because in nature the alpha gorilla makes virtually all the decisions regarding his troop, including where and when to travel, where and when to sleep, and where and when to eat. The center is similar in the way that he is the commander of his line and has the decision making power to audible the line in order to pick up blitzes.
Tight End- The Stallion Warhorse
--Your tight end is literally the workhorse of your team. He is possibly your most versatile offensive weapon and as the NFL evolves the tight end is becoming more and more a staple of a winning team. I chose the horse because he is reliable, strong, fast, protective and has unmatched endurance. You need your tight end to be protective and strong because half of the time you will use him as a blocker but he also needs to be fast in case you need him to go deep for a pass. Horses are the ultimate work animal. We have used them to plow our fields, do battle, and to explore the known world. Your tight end also needs to have a high football IQ and horses luckily are extremely clever.
Fullback- The Bison
--I had a bit of trouble deciding whether the Bison and Rhinoceros shouldn’t switch positions but after much thought I think I’m right in placing the Bison at my fullback and the Rhinoceros at the protective line. The reason is speed. The Bison can amazingly get its 2,000 pound frame moving at 35 miles per hour for long distances at a time. Also their huge head and deadly horns make them perfect battering rams for pounding the ball up the gut or for clearing defenders out of the way. On most plays our fullback will be blocking and often times running up field with our halfback to clear a path. This is why I need speed at the fullback position and had to put the Rhinoceros at the offensive line. The Bison is also another fearless protector in the animal kingdom which makes it a clear candidate for a blocking position. Although when we choose to run up the gut with our fullback the Bison will have no problem clearing a path.
Halfback- The Ram
--I wanted to use a horse just because when a team starts relying on one running back they call it “riding the horse” but I couldn’t think of a better animal for the tight end. The Ram to me is more fitting for a halfback. Although Ram’s are small they are extremely quick and are equipped with a set of protective horns that encourage them to smash into any predator in its path. A Ram represents the perfect running back because he is quick and elusive yet has the explosive ramming power to take the ball up the gut.
Wide Receiver- The Grey Hound
--At first thought I wanted to use the Gazelle to represent my wide receiver because the most athletic Gazelles can outrun even a cheetah. I decided though that a good wide receiver doesn’t even need to be faster than his defender he just needs to outwit him by running a deceptive route. The dog had to be used in my analogies because it is incredibly smart and can be taught tricks. Also I must admit I thought about dogs catching frisbees in their mouths and I definitely need my receiver to be able to catch. I still need my wide receiver to be fast so no one can catch him in the open field so I chose the fastest of all the dogs the Grey Hound, capable of running up to 50 miles per hour. The wide receiver is also a quarterback’s best friend and this is only fitting that I choose man’s best friend as a receiver when you find out what animal I choose for quarterback.
Quarterback- The Human (see Michael Vick)
--You need opposable thumbs to throw a football end of story. Ok let me elaborate more, because this is the most important position on the field and that is why it needs to be played by the smartest known animal. The human body is actually quite amazing when it is in its prime condition. With millions of years of experience of running from big cats and wolves the human body has been conditioned to escape. That’s why our quarterback is best suited as a human because of his uncanny scrambling ability. He is also the commander on the field and demands respect. It is his game, he invented it after all.
The Kicker- The Kangaroo
--Good for kicking and not much else.
